Once the running around became limited and ultimately canceled, my social life shut down, and the things I thought made me a productive member of society were reduced by half or became nonexistent, I was left with one question: Who am I? then more questions came to mind: What do I care about? more specifically, who do I care about?
Thankfully I am staying at home with my most important humans and animals, and I hope you are too.
We listen and read about how important it is to take care of ourselves, we strive daily to attain inner peace and maintain our peace of mind, but not until the past few weeks did I realize how profoundly we need inner peace and stability and the implications the lack of it have in my life.
Because I don’t have to wake up in a rush to make breakfast and pack lunches, get the kids ready and dress for work, run errands, meet my friends, have meetings, pick up my kids, drive the boys’ around for their après-school lessons and so on; I feel like I’ve been gifted with so much time for reflection and introspection. When all these activities are not there to fill my days, then I begin to understand the importance of liking myself and being my own companion. There are no distractions, no made-up plans, no places to go. Nothing. Just me. (Well, me and some guy I chose to share my life with, the two wildlings we produced and our dog Aspen).
Even as I mourn for what we are experiencing as a collective, I also feel humbled and fortunate. Not only because I have a full pantry, a roof over my head, and a backyard for my kids to run safely while we flatten the curve of this pandemic, but mainly because I feel calm.
I’ve been experiencing so many intense feelings, some describe it as grief, people dying without their family members near them, the uncertainty of how long should be staying home, and the virus spreading making us feel so powerless, but still, I feel at ease. Even though I know it’s beyond my control, I can control ME. I don’t like what’s happening in the world outside, but first and foremost, I’m living in a world inside of me, and I believe I can create my own peace. I am Peace, as the title of one of my favorite children’s books reads, written by Susan Verde and illustrated by Peter H. Reynolds. (highly recommended! https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/34324424-i-am-peace).
I am taking my time. Montessori – Waldorf home schooling my kids. I also sit down and write. I do whatever it takes to calm my hectic mind. That anxious mind. I’m not trying to ignore reality, but instead, I’m attempting to be mindful, to be present and to acknowledge that I feel helpless and can do little to help others in this time of need. I can help myself, my loved ones, and my friends by example; I can help my co-workers with encouragement and a positive attitude. Best I can do is stay home.
Many of us are texting about how much we needed this break, how much we were fantasizing about spending time at home, no plans, together with our families, just relaxing (not the pandemic part of it, of course) it gets me thinking if we all need it, why don’t we make it happen? What is stopping us from creating the life we want and the rhythm and balance of the life we dream of having? This time we’ve been gifted is an excellent way to reconnect with the people we live with, and not because we share a bed, but because we share a life, and sometimes with so much going on outside the house, we let ourselves forget that.
Once going to dinners and brunches is not possible, or when our beautiful clothes remain in their hangers, and social media is not that fun anymore because we can’t compare our lives with the lives of others. If our plans and travel are canceled, when concert tickets have no value at all, once the bars and movie theaters are closed and the kids’ stuff or work events we are always using as excuses not to spend time with ourselves are gone, we are forced to face me instead of we and ask our inner selves who we are.
Remember, nobody cares, nobody’s watching, this is not an Instagram post. This is just for you. You are the only one on this planet that has an honest answer. Consider this, you are already perfect. You are already enough.
I’ll be right there with you all, figuring ourselves out during this quarantine. For now, I think I like the answer I’ve given to myself, and I hope you also like yours. If not, I encourage you to do whatever it takes to enjoy your own company, inside and out.
So tell me, are you enjoying your time at home? Are you ready to burst out of the ceiling? Sing a song? Write a book? Drink more wine? Pass out? Go to Antarctica? I’m interested to know, share your answer please!